Fulfilled

Life is so good these days. I am so excited about my niece Ella being born any day now! She's going to be precious, and I'm sure she'll be just as spoiled as Grace. I can't wait.

God has been blowing my mind with how good He is to me in spite of myself. I do NOT deserve His goodness in the way that He gives it. For so long I felt like I was being completely fulfilled in Him, and I was. He has completely transformed my ways of thinking and my desires; it's really kinda unbelievable when I think about it. I've learned how to be more concerned with falling in love with Him and intimacy with Him than trying to make sure I am doing the things that are supposedly "right." However, lately, I had forgotten what it was really like to be fulfilled in Him. That's when He reminded me about perfect love. A love that conquers all. THAT blows my mind. No matter what I'm struggling with, what I've done, I am a conqueror because of His perfect love. Wow.

I didn't realize how many things in my life were undone until He started revealing these things to me. I'm not gonne lie, the past few weeks have been kinda hard with certain things that I have found out about people in my past, but I didn't know that I hadn't let it go. I guess that's how it works, though. We all pretend like we're okay, even convince ourselves that we're okay, as a part of the healing process. We think that we can move on, say that we have forgiven others, but in reality, we haven't completely forgiven ourselves for our pasts. It's a hard decision to make to accept God's love and grace for things you feel like you have completely screwed up. Or, maybe it's not even you who screwed up so bad; you just let others impact your life in a way that left you feeling empty and rejected. But that's what it is: a decision. You have to consciously wake up and make that decision every day to accept His love and grace and to decide that you are going to love Him passionately every day. Just like a marraige. It's a decision to get up and say that you're going to make it happen every day. I think, once you can do that, everything else falls into place.

So, that's what God's working on in me. He teaching me to let Him fulfill me. Which means that if I ever feel broken by anything, or anyone, He fulfills me completely. It's a good feeling. No person here can make or break me; that's only a spot that the Lord can fill. I'm ready to leave everything I've known behind and pursue only Him. I don't like saying that I want to pursue what He wants me to do because I feel like that's not actually pursuing intimacy with Him; it's pursuing His blessings and things. I want to pursue Him; everything about Him. I want to KNOW Him, feel His heart, breathe His presence every day. I want to be fulfilled.