Lately I've been thinking about people from my past, acquaintances, who I wish I would have made more of an impact on. They are just your average person, nothing majorly different about them, but I could have done a lot more to spread Christ's love to them. Take the girls on my high school cheerleading team, for instance. They were great girls, but they were also very hurt girls. For so many of them, I felt such a pain for the way the thought they had to live. It always confused me to know that almost all of them had a home church, grew up in it, but still chose to live their lives in a manner that did not honor God at all. I didn't get it then, but now I do.
It's all about the great Romance and the Message of the Arrows. I'm reading a book called The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge, and it brings up this topic. Everyone wants to be a part of something bigger than themselves, hence the great Romance. The Romance tells you that you're special, that you are worth a great value, and if you give your heart over to something bigger than you, that your heart will flourish. However, the Arrows are those things in life that contradict all that your heart longs for and pierces it with the greatest intensity, causing you not to trust anything to do with your heart.
I now realize that with these girls who I never understood before, they had experienced the Arrows that told them not to trust their hearts to anything or anyone because they would be sure to be sorry later. So, their great Romance was found in the painful lifestyle they chose which choked the life out of their hearts. The life of your heart is hope, and these girls had lost all hope for a better way. And, for girls as young as these, all hope can be lost as soon as they hear someone call them ugly, fat, undesirable, worth nothing, or when they experience their parents not care enough about them to monitor their comings and goings. Their only way to fulfill these desires was with things that only pushed the sound of the Romance further away and embraced the Message of the Arrows. The reason I used the term "choked" was because hope being withered away doesn't happen with the first arrow, or the second. It is a process of being hit with one after another, and having no one there to show you how to pull them out carefully and let the wounds heal.
Now that I understand this, I so badly wish I could have been more of a help to these girls. But, at the time, I was entirely to self consumed. Since I feel like I have been hit with a few more arrows, I can definitely see how you could lose all hope if no one is there to reassure you of what the Romance is telling you, rather than being reassured of the Arrows. Thank God that my parents and family were always there to revive hope in me and let me know that it was not all lost when hope seemed to far away.
I think that hope is what this Christmas meant for me. My family had no idea, but I guess I always anticipate receiving arrows around Christmas time to taint the joyful season for me a little bit. At least that is what has happened the past five years. Some years, the loss of hope was larger than others, and this year I felt like I was holding my breath going through the holidays. However, this year, my family not just restored hope, but gave life to my heart during this season. That's what I now pray will happen for these girls I once knew who seemed to not know that there is a story bigger than themselves to be a part of, that they are given life to their broken hearts.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
No Time
This week has been hectic. Exams and work have taken up all of my time, which sucks, because there are so many more things that I could find to enjoyably spend my time on. Take this time right now, for instance. I absolutely NEED to be studying for my history final at 9am tomorrow morning. What am I doing? I'm finding something more enjoyable to spend my time on...blogging. I know that busyness is most definitely not of God. It feels like I have had no time to spend with Him this week like I normally would, and it's all because I feel so pressured to do everything else before I spend time with Him. Not okay. It's so strange to me that even when I know that if I put Him first every day my entire day will be better overall and everything I need will be done, I still seem to spend so much of my time pursuing other things that at the time feel so important. God does not need to be just another part of our lives. He needs to BE our lives. He needs to consume every bit of us until we are gone, and all that is left if Him. That's what I want to happen in my life. I say that with all sincerity, but when will the day come when I will actually allow that to happen? When I will put everything else aside in the midst of the busyness that I let consume me, just to let Him consume me. I really like these lines from a worship song I heard at Morningstar Fellowship in Fort Mill, SC: "I fall on my face, just so I can find a place to stand." -This is what I feel like I am doing right now. I feel at a loss, so I am giving up the place I thought I had so that I can find a place to stand with Him.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Don't Wanna Miss a Thing
I've decided that finals cannot possibly be of God.
America's Funniest Home Videos is the probably the best show on TV right now.
I have a very weird gift that causes me to always call my mom when she is brushing her teeth.
I can't believe that the year is coming to a close. It feels like this year has FLOWN by without me realizing it at all, and now I feel like I've forgotten to take time to appreciate the things that have made it an awesome year. But I guess that happens a lot, not remembering to step back and look at what's going on around you to truly be thankful for what you've been given. That sucks though, because I'm the kind of person that doesn't want to miss a thing (right about now would be a good time to bust out in the Aerosmith song "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing"). There has been so much that has happened this year that has ushered me into the kind of person that I have wanted to be, into the dreams that God has placed inside of my heart, and into the desire to pursue His heart more than anything else. For this reason, I don't want to blink because I feel like God's taking me to a place where I really won't want to ever forget what got me there. All of it is so important. All the pain, all the joy, all the strength, all the brokenness that leads me to this place will remind me that going there was a feat in and of itself, so I can't give up on the desires that God has given me because I've paid a price to get there.
America's Funniest Home Videos is the probably the best show on TV right now.
I have a very weird gift that causes me to always call my mom when she is brushing her teeth.
I can't believe that the year is coming to a close. It feels like this year has FLOWN by without me realizing it at all, and now I feel like I've forgotten to take time to appreciate the things that have made it an awesome year. But I guess that happens a lot, not remembering to step back and look at what's going on around you to truly be thankful for what you've been given. That sucks though, because I'm the kind of person that doesn't want to miss a thing (right about now would be a good time to bust out in the Aerosmith song "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing"). There has been so much that has happened this year that has ushered me into the kind of person that I have wanted to be, into the dreams that God has placed inside of my heart, and into the desire to pursue His heart more than anything else. For this reason, I don't want to blink because I feel like God's taking me to a place where I really won't want to ever forget what got me there. All of it is so important. All the pain, all the joy, all the strength, all the brokenness that leads me to this place will remind me that going there was a feat in and of itself, so I can't give up on the desires that God has given me because I've paid a price to get there.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
The World DOESN'T Revolve Around Me????
This probably won't be a long blog like the others I've written. There's a lot I could probably say, but I just don't have the energy right now. I'm going home tomorrow and there a variety of things that will happen which will make my weekend awesome.
1.) I get to see my niece Ella and get to hold her and watch her just lay there. Priceless
2.) My best friend Karen and her bf Johannes will be home. I haven't seen her since August 9th and have never met him. Needless to say, there's a slight chance that I might explode when I actually see her (after jumping on her, of course).
3.) My family is awesome, and I will be with them. 'Nuff said.
4.) The drive back to Greenville always brings clarity for me.
5.) I'll probably have an awesome heart to heart with my mom while I'm getting ready. Those are my favorite conversations cause they, too, bring clarity.
Anticipation of how incredible it will be to see my niece for only the second time ever is driving me insane. Seriously, when think about her, I realize how meaningless half the things that I worry about and fret over are. That brand new life that God created is so much more important than my issues about when I'll have time to work out, or getting coffee before I go to work so that I can stay alert, or where I'll be next year or during the summer and what I'll be doing. One thing that I feel like God is definitely teaching me is how to relax and have fun. I don't think that life is supposed to be as stressful as people make it; as stressful as I make it. He's showing me how to search His heart (His people) while not being so high strung all the time. I'm liking it because it doesn't focus on me anymore. My thoughts are still consumed with me most the time, I'm not gonna lie. BUT, He's slowly redirecting them to others.
A couple of days ago I went with some friends to the Salvation Army to feed the homeless. I think around 200 people came for dinner at 5:00pm. It was cool. I met a woman named Beverly who talked about being addicted to drugs for 17 years, but she just got out of rehab in October and has been sober ever since. She proceeded to tell me that it was hard to stay focused since she doesn't have anywhere to stay, but she knows if she just focuses on God that she'll make it this time. Her story almost brought me to tears because it made me see that if someone who has no place to go and no steady way of obtaining food can fully rely on God and put that much faith in the fact that He'll supply all of her needs, then surely I can stretch myself a little further. I've thought about her ever since I had that conversation with her. It reminds me that there's a lot more going on in the world than we realize, so our best efforts should not be given to ourselves. It should be spent pouring into others. And sometimes, like with Beverly, all it took was for me to sit and listen to her. What an easy job. I think I can handle that.
1.) I get to see my niece Ella and get to hold her and watch her just lay there. Priceless
2.) My best friend Karen and her bf Johannes will be home. I haven't seen her since August 9th and have never met him. Needless to say, there's a slight chance that I might explode when I actually see her (after jumping on her, of course).
3.) My family is awesome, and I will be with them. 'Nuff said.
4.) The drive back to Greenville always brings clarity for me.
5.) I'll probably have an awesome heart to heart with my mom while I'm getting ready. Those are my favorite conversations cause they, too, bring clarity.
Anticipation of how incredible it will be to see my niece for only the second time ever is driving me insane. Seriously, when think about her, I realize how meaningless half the things that I worry about and fret over are. That brand new life that God created is so much more important than my issues about when I'll have time to work out, or getting coffee before I go to work so that I can stay alert, or where I'll be next year or during the summer and what I'll be doing. One thing that I feel like God is definitely teaching me is how to relax and have fun. I don't think that life is supposed to be as stressful as people make it; as stressful as I make it. He's showing me how to search His heart (His people) while not being so high strung all the time. I'm liking it because it doesn't focus on me anymore. My thoughts are still consumed with me most the time, I'm not gonna lie. BUT, He's slowly redirecting them to others.
A couple of days ago I went with some friends to the Salvation Army to feed the homeless. I think around 200 people came for dinner at 5:00pm. It was cool. I met a woman named Beverly who talked about being addicted to drugs for 17 years, but she just got out of rehab in October and has been sober ever since. She proceeded to tell me that it was hard to stay focused since she doesn't have anywhere to stay, but she knows if she just focuses on God that she'll make it this time. Her story almost brought me to tears because it made me see that if someone who has no place to go and no steady way of obtaining food can fully rely on God and put that much faith in the fact that He'll supply all of her needs, then surely I can stretch myself a little further. I've thought about her ever since I had that conversation with her. It reminds me that there's a lot more going on in the world than we realize, so our best efforts should not be given to ourselves. It should be spent pouring into others. And sometimes, like with Beverly, all it took was for me to sit and listen to her. What an easy job. I think I can handle that.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Cool White GIrl
Today, I got to do three of the things I love most:
1) I got to go to church this morning and really let loose.
2) I got to write music with a pretty darn cool person who loves music as much as I do (don't get a big head, Kent, if you are reading this)
3) last but certainly not least, I laughed so hard that I felt it in my back and tears were rolling down my cheeks.
What a great day.
This morning was the best experience at a church in Columbia that I have ever had. Besides it reminding me of home, because the whole time all I could think of was how much it reminded me of my mom and how she would fit right in with this group of people. It was an experience that might have made quite a few white people uncomfortable. This was because of the fact that I walked in, alone, to find myself to be the only white person in a room full of black men, women, and children. However, they made me feel more welcomed and loved than any white church I have been....ever. Since my church at home is mostly black, being the only white girl doesn't bother me at all because I've gotten to the point where I really don't notice color at all. Apparently they didn't either, or if they did, they hid it well. I say this because I was probably hugged by every person in the room. Twice.
As I was worshipping with the rest of the congregation, I was moved by God in a way that I can honestly say I have not felt before that moment. In that moment, I wanted all of Columbia, SC to feel the love of Christ that I felt in that room. These people's hearts were not concerned with who they were going to offend, with what someone else in the room looked like, with how well their praise and worship team "performed," or with an order of service. They were simply concerned with pleasing God and entering into His presence. So, as I lifted my hands in worship, I was so overwhelmed by the love that they shared for Christ that I truly prayed that my friends, family, and all of this beautifully confused state of South Carolina would experience this same type of love. That's what people need. They don't need someone else telling them how to live their lives. They need to be showered with Christ's love that doesn't say that perfection is a requirement to be accepted into God's Kingdom. It doesn't constantly remind us of how incredibly unworthy we are and beat us down with this thought. It reminds us of His grace that makes us worthy and that He has accepted us here, in this moment, as we are, without a second thought about it. And, there is nothing we can do to change that. That's exactly what I felt this morning. Along with enjoying the passionate hearts that brought about this love. Everyone there was wonderfully passionate. I wish more white people would catch on to this. What a difference it would make in our lives.
I will say, though, what made my day was that the pastor shook my hand afterwards and said, "You are one cool white girl."
1) I got to go to church this morning and really let loose.
2) I got to write music with a pretty darn cool person who loves music as much as I do (don't get a big head, Kent, if you are reading this)
3) last but certainly not least, I laughed so hard that I felt it in my back and tears were rolling down my cheeks.
What a great day.
This morning was the best experience at a church in Columbia that I have ever had. Besides it reminding me of home, because the whole time all I could think of was how much it reminded me of my mom and how she would fit right in with this group of people. It was an experience that might have made quite a few white people uncomfortable. This was because of the fact that I walked in, alone, to find myself to be the only white person in a room full of black men, women, and children. However, they made me feel more welcomed and loved than any white church I have been....ever. Since my church at home is mostly black, being the only white girl doesn't bother me at all because I've gotten to the point where I really don't notice color at all. Apparently they didn't either, or if they did, they hid it well. I say this because I was probably hugged by every person in the room. Twice.
As I was worshipping with the rest of the congregation, I was moved by God in a way that I can honestly say I have not felt before that moment. In that moment, I wanted all of Columbia, SC to feel the love of Christ that I felt in that room. These people's hearts were not concerned with who they were going to offend, with what someone else in the room looked like, with how well their praise and worship team "performed," or with an order of service. They were simply concerned with pleasing God and entering into His presence. So, as I lifted my hands in worship, I was so overwhelmed by the love that they shared for Christ that I truly prayed that my friends, family, and all of this beautifully confused state of South Carolina would experience this same type of love. That's what people need. They don't need someone else telling them how to live their lives. They need to be showered with Christ's love that doesn't say that perfection is a requirement to be accepted into God's Kingdom. It doesn't constantly remind us of how incredibly unworthy we are and beat us down with this thought. It reminds us of His grace that makes us worthy and that He has accepted us here, in this moment, as we are, without a second thought about it. And, there is nothing we can do to change that. That's exactly what I felt this morning. Along with enjoying the passionate hearts that brought about this love. Everyone there was wonderfully passionate. I wish more white people would catch on to this. What a difference it would make in our lives.
I will say, though, what made my day was that the pastor shook my hand afterwards and said, "You are one cool white girl."
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