Lately I've been thinking about people from my past, acquaintances, who I wish I would have made more of an impact on. They are just your average person, nothing majorly different about them, but I could have done a lot more to spread Christ's love to them. Take the girls on my high school cheerleading team, for instance. They were great girls, but they were also very hurt girls. For so many of them, I felt such a pain for the way the thought they had to live. It always confused me to know that almost all of them had a home church, grew up in it, but still chose to live their lives in a manner that did not honor God at all. I didn't get it then, but now I do.
It's all about the great Romance and the Message of the Arrows. I'm reading a book called The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge, and it brings up this topic. Everyone wants to be a part of something bigger than themselves, hence the great Romance. The Romance tells you that you're special, that you are worth a great value, and if you give your heart over to something bigger than you, that your heart will flourish. However, the Arrows are those things in life that contradict all that your heart longs for and pierces it with the greatest intensity, causing you not to trust anything to do with your heart.
I now realize that with these girls who I never understood before, they had experienced the Arrows that told them not to trust their hearts to anything or anyone because they would be sure to be sorry later. So, their great Romance was found in the painful lifestyle they chose which choked the life out of their hearts. The life of your heart is hope, and these girls had lost all hope for a better way. And, for girls as young as these, all hope can be lost as soon as they hear someone call them ugly, fat, undesirable, worth nothing, or when they experience their parents not care enough about them to monitor their comings and goings. Their only way to fulfill these desires was with things that only pushed the sound of the Romance further away and embraced the Message of the Arrows. The reason I used the term "choked" was because hope being withered away doesn't happen with the first arrow, or the second. It is a process of being hit with one after another, and having no one there to show you how to pull them out carefully and let the wounds heal.
Now that I understand this, I so badly wish I could have been more of a help to these girls. But, at the time, I was entirely to self consumed. Since I feel like I have been hit with a few more arrows, I can definitely see how you could lose all hope if no one is there to reassure you of what the Romance is telling you, rather than being reassured of the Arrows. Thank God that my parents and family were always there to revive hope in me and let me know that it was not all lost when hope seemed to far away.
I think that hope is what this Christmas meant for me. My family had no idea, but I guess I always anticipate receiving arrows around Christmas time to taint the joyful season for me a little bit. At least that is what has happened the past five years. Some years, the loss of hope was larger than others, and this year I felt like I was holding my breath going through the holidays. However, this year, my family not just restored hope, but gave life to my heart during this season. That's what I now pray will happen for these girls I once knew who seemed to not know that there is a story bigger than themselves to be a part of, that they are given life to their broken hearts.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
No Time
This week has been hectic. Exams and work have taken up all of my time, which sucks, because there are so many more things that I could find to enjoyably spend my time on. Take this time right now, for instance. I absolutely NEED to be studying for my history final at 9am tomorrow morning. What am I doing? I'm finding something more enjoyable to spend my time on...blogging. I know that busyness is most definitely not of God. It feels like I have had no time to spend with Him this week like I normally would, and it's all because I feel so pressured to do everything else before I spend time with Him. Not okay. It's so strange to me that even when I know that if I put Him first every day my entire day will be better overall and everything I need will be done, I still seem to spend so much of my time pursuing other things that at the time feel so important. God does not need to be just another part of our lives. He needs to BE our lives. He needs to consume every bit of us until we are gone, and all that is left if Him. That's what I want to happen in my life. I say that with all sincerity, but when will the day come when I will actually allow that to happen? When I will put everything else aside in the midst of the busyness that I let consume me, just to let Him consume me. I really like these lines from a worship song I heard at Morningstar Fellowship in Fort Mill, SC: "I fall on my face, just so I can find a place to stand." -This is what I feel like I am doing right now. I feel at a loss, so I am giving up the place I thought I had so that I can find a place to stand with Him.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Don't Wanna Miss a Thing
I've decided that finals cannot possibly be of God.
America's Funniest Home Videos is the probably the best show on TV right now.
I have a very weird gift that causes me to always call my mom when she is brushing her teeth.
I can't believe that the year is coming to a close. It feels like this year has FLOWN by without me realizing it at all, and now I feel like I've forgotten to take time to appreciate the things that have made it an awesome year. But I guess that happens a lot, not remembering to step back and look at what's going on around you to truly be thankful for what you've been given. That sucks though, because I'm the kind of person that doesn't want to miss a thing (right about now would be a good time to bust out in the Aerosmith song "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing"). There has been so much that has happened this year that has ushered me into the kind of person that I have wanted to be, into the dreams that God has placed inside of my heart, and into the desire to pursue His heart more than anything else. For this reason, I don't want to blink because I feel like God's taking me to a place where I really won't want to ever forget what got me there. All of it is so important. All the pain, all the joy, all the strength, all the brokenness that leads me to this place will remind me that going there was a feat in and of itself, so I can't give up on the desires that God has given me because I've paid a price to get there.
America's Funniest Home Videos is the probably the best show on TV right now.
I have a very weird gift that causes me to always call my mom when she is brushing her teeth.
I can't believe that the year is coming to a close. It feels like this year has FLOWN by without me realizing it at all, and now I feel like I've forgotten to take time to appreciate the things that have made it an awesome year. But I guess that happens a lot, not remembering to step back and look at what's going on around you to truly be thankful for what you've been given. That sucks though, because I'm the kind of person that doesn't want to miss a thing (right about now would be a good time to bust out in the Aerosmith song "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing"). There has been so much that has happened this year that has ushered me into the kind of person that I have wanted to be, into the dreams that God has placed inside of my heart, and into the desire to pursue His heart more than anything else. For this reason, I don't want to blink because I feel like God's taking me to a place where I really won't want to ever forget what got me there. All of it is so important. All the pain, all the joy, all the strength, all the brokenness that leads me to this place will remind me that going there was a feat in and of itself, so I can't give up on the desires that God has given me because I've paid a price to get there.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
The World DOESN'T Revolve Around Me????
This probably won't be a long blog like the others I've written. There's a lot I could probably say, but I just don't have the energy right now. I'm going home tomorrow and there a variety of things that will happen which will make my weekend awesome.
1.) I get to see my niece Ella and get to hold her and watch her just lay there. Priceless
2.) My best friend Karen and her bf Johannes will be home. I haven't seen her since August 9th and have never met him. Needless to say, there's a slight chance that I might explode when I actually see her (after jumping on her, of course).
3.) My family is awesome, and I will be with them. 'Nuff said.
4.) The drive back to Greenville always brings clarity for me.
5.) I'll probably have an awesome heart to heart with my mom while I'm getting ready. Those are my favorite conversations cause they, too, bring clarity.
Anticipation of how incredible it will be to see my niece for only the second time ever is driving me insane. Seriously, when think about her, I realize how meaningless half the things that I worry about and fret over are. That brand new life that God created is so much more important than my issues about when I'll have time to work out, or getting coffee before I go to work so that I can stay alert, or where I'll be next year or during the summer and what I'll be doing. One thing that I feel like God is definitely teaching me is how to relax and have fun. I don't think that life is supposed to be as stressful as people make it; as stressful as I make it. He's showing me how to search His heart (His people) while not being so high strung all the time. I'm liking it because it doesn't focus on me anymore. My thoughts are still consumed with me most the time, I'm not gonna lie. BUT, He's slowly redirecting them to others.
A couple of days ago I went with some friends to the Salvation Army to feed the homeless. I think around 200 people came for dinner at 5:00pm. It was cool. I met a woman named Beverly who talked about being addicted to drugs for 17 years, but she just got out of rehab in October and has been sober ever since. She proceeded to tell me that it was hard to stay focused since she doesn't have anywhere to stay, but she knows if she just focuses on God that she'll make it this time. Her story almost brought me to tears because it made me see that if someone who has no place to go and no steady way of obtaining food can fully rely on God and put that much faith in the fact that He'll supply all of her needs, then surely I can stretch myself a little further. I've thought about her ever since I had that conversation with her. It reminds me that there's a lot more going on in the world than we realize, so our best efforts should not be given to ourselves. It should be spent pouring into others. And sometimes, like with Beverly, all it took was for me to sit and listen to her. What an easy job. I think I can handle that.
1.) I get to see my niece Ella and get to hold her and watch her just lay there. Priceless
2.) My best friend Karen and her bf Johannes will be home. I haven't seen her since August 9th and have never met him. Needless to say, there's a slight chance that I might explode when I actually see her (after jumping on her, of course).
3.) My family is awesome, and I will be with them. 'Nuff said.
4.) The drive back to Greenville always brings clarity for me.
5.) I'll probably have an awesome heart to heart with my mom while I'm getting ready. Those are my favorite conversations cause they, too, bring clarity.
Anticipation of how incredible it will be to see my niece for only the second time ever is driving me insane. Seriously, when think about her, I realize how meaningless half the things that I worry about and fret over are. That brand new life that God created is so much more important than my issues about when I'll have time to work out, or getting coffee before I go to work so that I can stay alert, or where I'll be next year or during the summer and what I'll be doing. One thing that I feel like God is definitely teaching me is how to relax and have fun. I don't think that life is supposed to be as stressful as people make it; as stressful as I make it. He's showing me how to search His heart (His people) while not being so high strung all the time. I'm liking it because it doesn't focus on me anymore. My thoughts are still consumed with me most the time, I'm not gonna lie. BUT, He's slowly redirecting them to others.
A couple of days ago I went with some friends to the Salvation Army to feed the homeless. I think around 200 people came for dinner at 5:00pm. It was cool. I met a woman named Beverly who talked about being addicted to drugs for 17 years, but she just got out of rehab in October and has been sober ever since. She proceeded to tell me that it was hard to stay focused since she doesn't have anywhere to stay, but she knows if she just focuses on God that she'll make it this time. Her story almost brought me to tears because it made me see that if someone who has no place to go and no steady way of obtaining food can fully rely on God and put that much faith in the fact that He'll supply all of her needs, then surely I can stretch myself a little further. I've thought about her ever since I had that conversation with her. It reminds me that there's a lot more going on in the world than we realize, so our best efforts should not be given to ourselves. It should be spent pouring into others. And sometimes, like with Beverly, all it took was for me to sit and listen to her. What an easy job. I think I can handle that.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Cool White GIrl
Today, I got to do three of the things I love most:
1) I got to go to church this morning and really let loose.
2) I got to write music with a pretty darn cool person who loves music as much as I do (don't get a big head, Kent, if you are reading this)
3) last but certainly not least, I laughed so hard that I felt it in my back and tears were rolling down my cheeks.
What a great day.
This morning was the best experience at a church in Columbia that I have ever had. Besides it reminding me of home, because the whole time all I could think of was how much it reminded me of my mom and how she would fit right in with this group of people. It was an experience that might have made quite a few white people uncomfortable. This was because of the fact that I walked in, alone, to find myself to be the only white person in a room full of black men, women, and children. However, they made me feel more welcomed and loved than any white church I have been....ever. Since my church at home is mostly black, being the only white girl doesn't bother me at all because I've gotten to the point where I really don't notice color at all. Apparently they didn't either, or if they did, they hid it well. I say this because I was probably hugged by every person in the room. Twice.
As I was worshipping with the rest of the congregation, I was moved by God in a way that I can honestly say I have not felt before that moment. In that moment, I wanted all of Columbia, SC to feel the love of Christ that I felt in that room. These people's hearts were not concerned with who they were going to offend, with what someone else in the room looked like, with how well their praise and worship team "performed," or with an order of service. They were simply concerned with pleasing God and entering into His presence. So, as I lifted my hands in worship, I was so overwhelmed by the love that they shared for Christ that I truly prayed that my friends, family, and all of this beautifully confused state of South Carolina would experience this same type of love. That's what people need. They don't need someone else telling them how to live their lives. They need to be showered with Christ's love that doesn't say that perfection is a requirement to be accepted into God's Kingdom. It doesn't constantly remind us of how incredibly unworthy we are and beat us down with this thought. It reminds us of His grace that makes us worthy and that He has accepted us here, in this moment, as we are, without a second thought about it. And, there is nothing we can do to change that. That's exactly what I felt this morning. Along with enjoying the passionate hearts that brought about this love. Everyone there was wonderfully passionate. I wish more white people would catch on to this. What a difference it would make in our lives.
I will say, though, what made my day was that the pastor shook my hand afterwards and said, "You are one cool white girl."
1) I got to go to church this morning and really let loose.
2) I got to write music with a pretty darn cool person who loves music as much as I do (don't get a big head, Kent, if you are reading this)
3) last but certainly not least, I laughed so hard that I felt it in my back and tears were rolling down my cheeks.
What a great day.
This morning was the best experience at a church in Columbia that I have ever had. Besides it reminding me of home, because the whole time all I could think of was how much it reminded me of my mom and how she would fit right in with this group of people. It was an experience that might have made quite a few white people uncomfortable. This was because of the fact that I walked in, alone, to find myself to be the only white person in a room full of black men, women, and children. However, they made me feel more welcomed and loved than any white church I have been....ever. Since my church at home is mostly black, being the only white girl doesn't bother me at all because I've gotten to the point where I really don't notice color at all. Apparently they didn't either, or if they did, they hid it well. I say this because I was probably hugged by every person in the room. Twice.
As I was worshipping with the rest of the congregation, I was moved by God in a way that I can honestly say I have not felt before that moment. In that moment, I wanted all of Columbia, SC to feel the love of Christ that I felt in that room. These people's hearts were not concerned with who they were going to offend, with what someone else in the room looked like, with how well their praise and worship team "performed," or with an order of service. They were simply concerned with pleasing God and entering into His presence. So, as I lifted my hands in worship, I was so overwhelmed by the love that they shared for Christ that I truly prayed that my friends, family, and all of this beautifully confused state of South Carolina would experience this same type of love. That's what people need. They don't need someone else telling them how to live their lives. They need to be showered with Christ's love that doesn't say that perfection is a requirement to be accepted into God's Kingdom. It doesn't constantly remind us of how incredibly unworthy we are and beat us down with this thought. It reminds us of His grace that makes us worthy and that He has accepted us here, in this moment, as we are, without a second thought about it. And, there is nothing we can do to change that. That's exactly what I felt this morning. Along with enjoying the passionate hearts that brought about this love. Everyone there was wonderfully passionate. I wish more white people would catch on to this. What a difference it would make in our lives.
I will say, though, what made my day was that the pastor shook my hand afterwards and said, "You are one cool white girl."
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Selflessness (is that even a word???)
This past week has been CRRRRAAAAZY. Well, crazy just because of the business. My second niece was born on Monday night. Needless to say, she's absolutely gorgeous and precious. She even has a gorgeous name, I think: Eleanor Reese. While looking at her, I realized just how incredible our creator is. What an incredible being to create life! I felt like I was looking straight into my Father's heart as I held Ella in my arms and just watched her. It makes me somewhat speechless. It made me see how pathetic I am to think of myself so much when there are such greater things going on outside of myself.
That's something that probably most people could say they struggle with is that they are always looking inward. I say this because I know it's something that I definitely struggle with. God constantly reminds me how my life is not the focus of what's going on around me. Just this morning, I was reading Acts 7 where Stephen is talking to the Synagogue of teh Freedmen. He had no care about his own life; he was ready and willing to do absolutely whatever God led him to do. He was even being STONED and the people were gnashing their teeth at him, and all Stephen was able to say was:
"Look! I see the heavens opened and teh Son of Man standing at the right hand of God!"
(Acts 7:56)
"Lord Jesus, receive my spirit." (Acts 7:59)
"Lord, do not charge them with this sin." (Acts 7:60)
Gah!!!! These people were killing him, and in the middle of it, he just wanted the Lord to show mercy on them! How many of us can really say that we could do that? God keeps showing me how ridiculous my complaints and grumblings are about my own life by opening my eyes to what's actually important. And this is for sure...the important things are never about me.
We constantly want to know what God's will is for our lives, who He wants us to be with, where He wants us to go, when He wants us to do it, and how He's going to go about making our lives happen. Really, we should know what He wants us to do! "Go and make disciples of people everywhere." That's what we need to do where we are, right now. But, we're too focused on how the rest of our lives will play out (we're too focused on US) to see how many people are actually in need. Stephen was taking his last breath, saw the need of the people for mercy, and would rather them be looked on by the Lord with mercy than for his own life to be saved. Incredible. That's how I want to be. I want to be completely humbled before God so that His Kingdom might grow. If we could just pursue intimacy with Him, want to know the desires of HIS HEART rather than our own, maybe, just maybe, we would find ourselves in more of a state of selflessness. Seflessness isn't concerned with how things will work out for ME, but how things will work out for God's people. If our hearts really are pursuing God's, we would want for people what He wants instead of being concerned with ourselves.
Looking outward, we see so much pain, so much need for mercy and salvation and compassion. Really, we see need. People in need of a friend, someone to just be there to help them out. People who need someone who isn't concerned with their outward appearance which motivates his/her generosity. I want to be that selfless person. Because I know that unless I am, my purpose here will never be fulfilled.
That's something that probably most people could say they struggle with is that they are always looking inward. I say this because I know it's something that I definitely struggle with. God constantly reminds me how my life is not the focus of what's going on around me. Just this morning, I was reading Acts 7 where Stephen is talking to the Synagogue of teh Freedmen. He had no care about his own life; he was ready and willing to do absolutely whatever God led him to do. He was even being STONED and the people were gnashing their teeth at him, and all Stephen was able to say was:
"Look! I see the heavens opened and teh Son of Man standing at the right hand of God!"
(Acts 7:56)
"Lord Jesus, receive my spirit." (Acts 7:59)
"Lord, do not charge them with this sin." (Acts 7:60)
Gah!!!! These people were killing him, and in the middle of it, he just wanted the Lord to show mercy on them! How many of us can really say that we could do that? God keeps showing me how ridiculous my complaints and grumblings are about my own life by opening my eyes to what's actually important. And this is for sure...the important things are never about me.
We constantly want to know what God's will is for our lives, who He wants us to be with, where He wants us to go, when He wants us to do it, and how He's going to go about making our lives happen. Really, we should know what He wants us to do! "Go and make disciples of people everywhere." That's what we need to do where we are, right now. But, we're too focused on how the rest of our lives will play out (we're too focused on US) to see how many people are actually in need. Stephen was taking his last breath, saw the need of the people for mercy, and would rather them be looked on by the Lord with mercy than for his own life to be saved. Incredible. That's how I want to be. I want to be completely humbled before God so that His Kingdom might grow. If we could just pursue intimacy with Him, want to know the desires of HIS HEART rather than our own, maybe, just maybe, we would find ourselves in more of a state of selflessness. Seflessness isn't concerned with how things will work out for ME, but how things will work out for God's people. If our hearts really are pursuing God's, we would want for people what He wants instead of being concerned with ourselves.
Looking outward, we see so much pain, so much need for mercy and salvation and compassion. Really, we see need. People in need of a friend, someone to just be there to help them out. People who need someone who isn't concerned with their outward appearance which motivates his/her generosity. I want to be that selfless person. Because I know that unless I am, my purpose here will never be fulfilled.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Unneccessary drama
I don't really know how to start this one. This blog is not directed at one person at all; it's something that I have felt for a loooooooong time but never quite knew how to voice it. So, I'm just going to jump right in. No easing into it. I've never been good at easing into anything, so tonight's blog is no different.
Who ever said that it was a guy's job to guard a girl's heart? I really want to know where this idea came from because I think it's a load of crap. In all honesty, I do not know a single guy right now who is strong enough to guard his own heart successfully at all times; therefore, why should he be expected to be strong enough to guard someone else's? If I'm not mistaken, God never tells us to give our hearts to someone else and let them keep it pure. He tells us to give our hearts to HIM to let him keep it pure. He said that HE will give us a new heart and new spirit within us (Ezekiel 36:26).
I have gotten so frustrated with many Christian girls who do love God with all their hearts, but my frustration isn't in their love for God; it's that they expect so much from a guy they may think about dating. I'm not saying that you should be okay with being unequally yoked; not at all. But I am saying that the guy is just as hormonal and human as the girl is, so why should you expect him to be in a place where he can protect your heart better than you can? Girls should protect their own hearts, and let God protect their hearts! It's a GIGANTIC undertaking to say that you are going to "guard" a girl's heart. No one should ever feel like that is their job. It's not...it's God's. And quite frankly, when a guy has ever told me that he is going to "guard my heart," I've always thought to myself "not a chance in the world." I don't want him to because I know he's gonna suck at it if I let him try, simply because he's not God. It's not his responsibility. He will fail every time he tries because he is human. I fail at guarding my heart frequently so what would make me think that he could to better? And if I expect him to be the protector of my heart, I'm completely out of line.
The last thing I would want someone to think after reading this is that I don't think a girl should get upset if a guy treats her like crap. My point is coming...promise. I feel like I'm ragging on girls, but it's only because I went through a phase of thinking this. Now I realize how wrong I was.
"A girl's heart should be so close to God's that a man has to search God's heart to find her"-Anonymous
I love this quote because I feel like this is how it should be. But it never is. People are always entirely too concerned about who God wants them to be with that they never can fully focus on being intimate with God. They always want to know who God wants them to be intimate with...who would have thought that maybe all along it was Him. A guy won't have to think about guarding a girl's heart if he is just passionately pursuing God's heart; he wouldn't be able to help but be led by the Lord in his actions. A girl won't have to worry about getting hurt if she just worries about pursuing God's heart; she wouldn't feel so vulnerable. I say this because if these two things were actually going on, everyone would be more spirit-led and wouldn't say/do things that would jeopardize the other person's heart. Simple enough. It never had to be so complicated and painful. But it is. And that's life.
There's this whole idea of being chivalrous that sounds so great and looks so great. Don't get me wrong, I love chivalry...love it. But this whole spiritually chivalry thing of being the knight in shining armor who guards hearts and protects the girl from all impurities is ridiculous. Aaand...sometimes, I think it's a cop-out. It allows the guy to put the girl on hold becaues he doesn't want to do something that would not be guarding her heart. Let's get real here. I know there are great intentions, but in actuality, it puts the girl through even more of an emotional rollercoaster. I don't think that every single thing you feel should be thrown out for everyone to see, but if you simply aren't sure if you want to date someone, just say it! It'd be a lot less dramatic. In my opinion, spiritual chivalry isn't neccessarily about guarding hearts. To me, it's about someone praying for the heart to be pure and for every thought to be taken captive so that everything can stay pure. Not about someone actually trying to make the heart pure by not saying/doing certain things; that's just respecting the other person's emotions.
So there it is. We don't need others to try to guard our hearts because that'd be like trying to be God. We will fail, and it's completely wrong of us to try. I just had to get it out. Now I need to rest so I can get up and face ruthless shoppers on Black Friday.
Who ever said that it was a guy's job to guard a girl's heart? I really want to know where this idea came from because I think it's a load of crap. In all honesty, I do not know a single guy right now who is strong enough to guard his own heart successfully at all times; therefore, why should he be expected to be strong enough to guard someone else's? If I'm not mistaken, God never tells us to give our hearts to someone else and let them keep it pure. He tells us to give our hearts to HIM to let him keep it pure. He said that HE will give us a new heart and new spirit within us (Ezekiel 36:26).
I have gotten so frustrated with many Christian girls who do love God with all their hearts, but my frustration isn't in their love for God; it's that they expect so much from a guy they may think about dating. I'm not saying that you should be okay with being unequally yoked; not at all. But I am saying that the guy is just as hormonal and human as the girl is, so why should you expect him to be in a place where he can protect your heart better than you can? Girls should protect their own hearts, and let God protect their hearts! It's a GIGANTIC undertaking to say that you are going to "guard" a girl's heart. No one should ever feel like that is their job. It's not...it's God's. And quite frankly, when a guy has ever told me that he is going to "guard my heart," I've always thought to myself "not a chance in the world." I don't want him to because I know he's gonna suck at it if I let him try, simply because he's not God. It's not his responsibility. He will fail every time he tries because he is human. I fail at guarding my heart frequently so what would make me think that he could to better? And if I expect him to be the protector of my heart, I'm completely out of line.
The last thing I would want someone to think after reading this is that I don't think a girl should get upset if a guy treats her like crap. My point is coming...promise. I feel like I'm ragging on girls, but it's only because I went through a phase of thinking this. Now I realize how wrong I was.
"A girl's heart should be so close to God's that a man has to search God's heart to find her"-Anonymous
I love this quote because I feel like this is how it should be. But it never is. People are always entirely too concerned about who God wants them to be with that they never can fully focus on being intimate with God. They always want to know who God wants them to be intimate with...who would have thought that maybe all along it was Him. A guy won't have to think about guarding a girl's heart if he is just passionately pursuing God's heart; he wouldn't be able to help but be led by the Lord in his actions. A girl won't have to worry about getting hurt if she just worries about pursuing God's heart; she wouldn't feel so vulnerable. I say this because if these two things were actually going on, everyone would be more spirit-led and wouldn't say/do things that would jeopardize the other person's heart. Simple enough. It never had to be so complicated and painful. But it is. And that's life.
There's this whole idea of being chivalrous that sounds so great and looks so great. Don't get me wrong, I love chivalry...love it. But this whole spiritually chivalry thing of being the knight in shining armor who guards hearts and protects the girl from all impurities is ridiculous. Aaand...sometimes, I think it's a cop-out. It allows the guy to put the girl on hold becaues he doesn't want to do something that would not be guarding her heart. Let's get real here. I know there are great intentions, but in actuality, it puts the girl through even more of an emotional rollercoaster. I don't think that every single thing you feel should be thrown out for everyone to see, but if you simply aren't sure if you want to date someone, just say it! It'd be a lot less dramatic. In my opinion, spiritual chivalry isn't neccessarily about guarding hearts. To me, it's about someone praying for the heart to be pure and for every thought to be taken captive so that everything can stay pure. Not about someone actually trying to make the heart pure by not saying/doing certain things; that's just respecting the other person's emotions.
So there it is. We don't need others to try to guard our hearts because that'd be like trying to be God. We will fail, and it's completely wrong of us to try. I just had to get it out. Now I need to rest so I can get up and face ruthless shoppers on Black Friday.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Thankful
This whole blogging thing is a great idea. I know this is only my second one ever, and probably very few people (if any) have read it, but I really enjoy it. So, today's blog is about my mom: the one woman I admire more than anyone; my niece Grace: the most beloved child born who bring me SO MUCH JOY; and my brother Matt: a truly wonderful guy who is so close to my heart, and even though there may not be a lot of words said to do it, he brings me back to myself just by being him.
Every time I come home it seems like I forget how refreshing it is to be around my family again. They really are the most important people in my life. I've only been home since this morning, and I already feel better about my world. I don't really know what it is, but as soon as I leave Columbia and get back into Greenville, things in my head that were so cloudy before become clear all of a sudden. Well, really, I do know why that is. It's because of my mom and Matt. And Grace, in her three-year-old ways of clearing things up, which in reality is simply put: circular logic.
My mom is incredible. I know a lot of people say that about their mom and really mean it, but I want to be just like her in all honesty. I watch her doing every day things and doing things that change the lives of people, and all of it amazes me. Tonight, we had another one of our insanely ridiculous conversations that goes off on very scattered topics that don't tie together to anyone else listening (they make perfect sense to us), and as we talked about things that weren't even pertaining to situations in my life at the moment, I felt like I was getting insight on those situations just by watching her and laughing with her. She is so wise, and she really does always know the right answer and what's best. With every single thing I've ever gone through, the things she has said have always been right on the money. And, she's one of the very few people who gives me the right to be wrong (I've been listening to Joss Stone a lot lately). She lets me be wrong about things sometimes to let me live my life and discover how dumb I am sometimes, but she always is there to help mend my heart from the mistakes. As I watched her tell me about how she keeps telling her children's church class that a PG-13 topic to talk about is cranberry sauce because it is a mature food to eat (she's crazy), that she had to go to the grocery store at the last minute tonight just to get some so she wouldn't let the kids down, and that the kids all laugh at her jokes because they are completely on the 3rd-6th graders' levels, I was reminded how blessed I am to have her to watch. God uses her to let others be used, and she is completely fine with not getting any credit for the things she does. She thinks it's great that I have fun with life and don't take things as seriously as people try to get me to, and I love that! She is the woman that I hope to be one day.
So, I guess God is showing me this at the perfect time. Thanksgiving, a time to be thankful for the things and people around me. And today, He has reminded me exactly why I should be thankful.
Every time I come home it seems like I forget how refreshing it is to be around my family again. They really are the most important people in my life. I've only been home since this morning, and I already feel better about my world. I don't really know what it is, but as soon as I leave Columbia and get back into Greenville, things in my head that were so cloudy before become clear all of a sudden. Well, really, I do know why that is. It's because of my mom and Matt. And Grace, in her three-year-old ways of clearing things up, which in reality is simply put: circular logic.
My mom is incredible. I know a lot of people say that about their mom and really mean it, but I want to be just like her in all honesty. I watch her doing every day things and doing things that change the lives of people, and all of it amazes me. Tonight, we had another one of our insanely ridiculous conversations that goes off on very scattered topics that don't tie together to anyone else listening (they make perfect sense to us), and as we talked about things that weren't even pertaining to situations in my life at the moment, I felt like I was getting insight on those situations just by watching her and laughing with her. She is so wise, and she really does always know the right answer and what's best. With every single thing I've ever gone through, the things she has said have always been right on the money. And, she's one of the very few people who gives me the right to be wrong (I've been listening to Joss Stone a lot lately). She lets me be wrong about things sometimes to let me live my life and discover how dumb I am sometimes, but she always is there to help mend my heart from the mistakes. As I watched her tell me about how she keeps telling her children's church class that a PG-13 topic to talk about is cranberry sauce because it is a mature food to eat (she's crazy), that she had to go to the grocery store at the last minute tonight just to get some so she wouldn't let the kids down, and that the kids all laugh at her jokes because they are completely on the 3rd-6th graders' levels, I was reminded how blessed I am to have her to watch. God uses her to let others be used, and she is completely fine with not getting any credit for the things she does. She thinks it's great that I have fun with life and don't take things as seriously as people try to get me to, and I love that! She is the woman that I hope to be one day.
So, I guess God is showing me this at the perfect time. Thanksgiving, a time to be thankful for the things and people around me. And today, He has reminded me exactly why I should be thankful.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Fulfilled
Life is so good these days. I am so excited about my niece Ella being born any day now! She's going to be precious, and I'm sure she'll be just as spoiled as Grace. I can't wait.
God has been blowing my mind with how good He is to me in spite of myself. I do NOT deserve His goodness in the way that He gives it. For so long I felt like I was being completely fulfilled in Him, and I was. He has completely transformed my ways of thinking and my desires; it's really kinda unbelievable when I think about it. I've learned how to be more concerned with falling in love with Him and intimacy with Him than trying to make sure I am doing the things that are supposedly "right." However, lately, I had forgotten what it was really like to be fulfilled in Him. That's when He reminded me about perfect love. A love that conquers all. THAT blows my mind. No matter what I'm struggling with, what I've done, I am a conqueror because of His perfect love. Wow.
I didn't realize how many things in my life were undone until He started revealing these things to me. I'm not gonne lie, the past few weeks have been kinda hard with certain things that I have found out about people in my past, but I didn't know that I hadn't let it go. I guess that's how it works, though. We all pretend like we're okay, even convince ourselves that we're okay, as a part of the healing process. We think that we can move on, say that we have forgiven others, but in reality, we haven't completely forgiven ourselves for our pasts. It's a hard decision to make to accept God's love and grace for things you feel like you have completely screwed up. Or, maybe it's not even you who screwed up so bad; you just let others impact your life in a way that left you feeling empty and rejected. But that's what it is: a decision. You have to consciously wake up and make that decision every day to accept His love and grace and to decide that you are going to love Him passionately every day. Just like a marraige. It's a decision to get up and say that you're going to make it happen every day. I think, once you can do that, everything else falls into place.
So, that's what God's working on in me. He teaching me to let Him fulfill me. Which means that if I ever feel broken by anything, or anyone, He fulfills me completely. It's a good feeling. No person here can make or break me; that's only a spot that the Lord can fill. I'm ready to leave everything I've known behind and pursue only Him. I don't like saying that I want to pursue what He wants me to do because I feel like that's not actually pursuing intimacy with Him; it's pursuing His blessings and things. I want to pursue Him; everything about Him. I want to KNOW Him, feel His heart, breathe His presence every day. I want to be fulfilled.
God has been blowing my mind with how good He is to me in spite of myself. I do NOT deserve His goodness in the way that He gives it. For so long I felt like I was being completely fulfilled in Him, and I was. He has completely transformed my ways of thinking and my desires; it's really kinda unbelievable when I think about it. I've learned how to be more concerned with falling in love with Him and intimacy with Him than trying to make sure I am doing the things that are supposedly "right." However, lately, I had forgotten what it was really like to be fulfilled in Him. That's when He reminded me about perfect love. A love that conquers all. THAT blows my mind. No matter what I'm struggling with, what I've done, I am a conqueror because of His perfect love. Wow.
I didn't realize how many things in my life were undone until He started revealing these things to me. I'm not gonne lie, the past few weeks have been kinda hard with certain things that I have found out about people in my past, but I didn't know that I hadn't let it go. I guess that's how it works, though. We all pretend like we're okay, even convince ourselves that we're okay, as a part of the healing process. We think that we can move on, say that we have forgiven others, but in reality, we haven't completely forgiven ourselves for our pasts. It's a hard decision to make to accept God's love and grace for things you feel like you have completely screwed up. Or, maybe it's not even you who screwed up so bad; you just let others impact your life in a way that left you feeling empty and rejected. But that's what it is: a decision. You have to consciously wake up and make that decision every day to accept His love and grace and to decide that you are going to love Him passionately every day. Just like a marraige. It's a decision to get up and say that you're going to make it happen every day. I think, once you can do that, everything else falls into place.
So, that's what God's working on in me. He teaching me to let Him fulfill me. Which means that if I ever feel broken by anything, or anyone, He fulfills me completely. It's a good feeling. No person here can make or break me; that's only a spot that the Lord can fill. I'm ready to leave everything I've known behind and pursue only Him. I don't like saying that I want to pursue what He wants me to do because I feel like that's not actually pursuing intimacy with Him; it's pursuing His blessings and things. I want to pursue Him; everything about Him. I want to KNOW Him, feel His heart, breathe His presence every day. I want to be fulfilled.
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