out of my element

My favorite verse for this week is Hebrews 10:31.

It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

How awesome is that. We have such a big, intense, LIVING God that it is considered fearful to fall into His hands. I love that. There's such a mystery in that. For me, the manliest of all men have always been a little bit scary. Not in a bad way, but having a certain bit of wildness leaving them so raw that it can be scary. But through that, I always feel so safe being around a man like that. That's what's so cool about this scripture I think. It's the fact that the same hands of the living God that an be so fearful to fall into are also the hands that we find such peace, love, comfort, and protection. It's just further proof to me that God is EVERYTHING all at once.

And, personally, I don't wanna serve a God that is entirely safe. That would mean that there would be no challenge to having faith in Him and that He is not willing to be dangerous for me. If God is so dangerous for me, then I want to go to dangerous extents to serve Him.

This verse really struck a cord in me, and I like it. It made me a little more fearful of the Lord.

Spinning

Emotions running wild

Can't seem to reign 'em in

My mind can't contain

Decisions to be made

So I leave them in Your hands

No faith in my own way

Can't you give me a sign

Just need to know You

Hear my prayers

Hear my prayers

Finally in Your silence

I hear you

Clearly screaming

That long ago You said enough

When will I have ears to hear?

See no beam of light

But know You're still there

Security won't be found

Within my mind's will

Love's like gravity

Pulls me to simplicity

That's when I have no doubt

Knowing You have

Heard my prayers

Heard my prayers

These were lyrics recently written during a very lonely time in my life. It's funny how we can sometimes be incredibly close in proximity to people yet still feel miles away from them. However, we have to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is forever faithful. It's kinda like if you spin around and around and around and around...you get the point...but have a constant place on a wall or just in the environment around you that you purposefully look at every time you spin around to that same spot. If you keep looking at that same place every time, you don't get as dizzy when you stop spinning. God is like the constant. When life and all the emotions involved with it have you endlessly spinning, we have to keep our eyes focused on the constant, because no matter what our emotions tell us, His promises are never empty and never return void. Once we stand on the Word of God and truly believe it, not just know it but believe it, we no longer feel alone. It's as though He allows us to feel so far away for a time so we can understand what it feels like to be hopeless. And then remember what it feels like to be excited to run back to Him.

Small and Weak

Wouldn't it be nice sometimes to just feel overwhelmed by God even when you feel like you can't feel anything?? To know that even when you aren't hearing Him speak loud and clear to you, that He's still speaking? Or when you can't blatantly see Him at work in your life, to know He's still working miracles all around you?? I know He is, ALL THE TIME, but sometimes you aren't as aware of it as you are at other points in your life. Like when you found yourself in a bind and saw God bring you out of it immediately, you were fully aware of His working in your life. But other times it's such a slow process, we aren't sure that He's working at all. I think Satan attacks us with the feeling of loneliness during this time when we don't hear our Father speaking. How do we counteract that?? I think by acting like nothing Satan does has any importance in our lives and to not take it offensively. I heard a sermon by Bill Johnson this past summer where he said just that; that we as Christ-followers should not allow anything Satan does to penetrate our lives. It should not affect us.
This just seems like a hard task to accomplish, though. I don't really know how to just let stuff in life roll off my back entirely. I must say, it would take a pretty strong person to never give in to fear, lust, worry, loneliness, doubt, pride, selfishness, and the list goes on. And most of the time, I don't feel like that strong of a person. Therefore, I have to rely on something completely different than being a strong person. I have to place all my hope in Christ because I know that I truly can accomplish nothing on my own. I know God has big plans for my life, just like He does for all of His other very special children (and of course I know He considers every child very special!), and am also sure that I can't do the things He wants me to do if I have any involvement. So I am currently in constant prayer that He is BIG and STRONG in me because I feel so SMALL and WEAK.

Untouched

I've heard a lot of people talk about how they are emotionally exhausted from giving so much of themselves all the time. I can imagine how exhausting that might be if they don't ever get replenished. But, I seem to have the opposite problem. I feel emotionally exhausted not because I am pouring out so much as the reason is that I feel like I have to hold back so much of what I am feeling. I love being around people, love finding out about what makes them tick, love hearing what breaks their hearts. What's hard for me is when I want so badly to just bluntly tell them truth, or what I think is truth at the time, and feel like I can't because of wrong timing.

Today was an interesting day. I've felt to untouched lately. Untouched in the sense that I am not feeling very loved by people lately. I am feeling an incredible amount of love for others; I cry at the drop of a hat these days, not because of my own feelings, but because I get so broken for others. I know that my family and friends love me the same as they always have, but for whatever reason, I don't feel the same capacity of love from them as I feel for them. Maybe that's how Christ feels with us. I can't imagine the capacity for love that He has. It's endless. And there's no way that we return it with the same zeal. But with him, there is no emptiness because He is whole in Himself. What a concept! That in Him, there is no emptiness. Maybe that's what God's wanting me to get from this time in my life-HIM! That if I am fully wanting Him, I'll have no want for anything else. And I know this, but it's remembering to apply this and desire this at all times that is the challenging part.

August thus far....

Maybe this shouldn't be limited to just August but should be expanded to the entire summer. Yeah, I think that's what it will be about. Probably not a list of things I did; rather, an overview of lessons learned. Lessons that took brokenness, destruction of pride, and the ability to get past myself far enough so I could begin to see God for who He is and not who I've always hoped He would be. I guess you could say that through the destruction of my pride, He came to life. Ooooo...that's good. I think I just started writing a new song:-) Anyway....On with the good stuff.
God is so undeniably incredible and faithful to provide His loves ones with exactly what they need when they need it. However, the kinds of things He provides us with may not be what we desire, think we need, or not when we think we should receive them. I had no idea that the biggest lesson I've learned in the past two years would come this summer when He showed me how worthless I am outside of Him, making it unbelievably pathetic for me to ever imagine that my priorities, goals, desires, or life could ever take precedent over any other being or plan. Extreme selfishness?? I think so. In all of the built up pride that seemed to increase the chip on my shoulder and create a larger wedge between my Father and I, I lost sight of the task at hand.
This summer has been a truly repentant time of my life. Finally, true brokenness has been present as I understand more each day, each moment, that my life is NEVER about me. I'm so tired of losing focus that I'm now willing to go to extremes if that's what it takes for me to walk more intimately with the Lord. He is so good, and His mercy endures forever, and He orders the steps of a RIGHTEOUS man. I'm disgusted with living on fire for His glory for periods of life, losing it for a few months, and having to retrace steps I've already taken a thousand times. I'm over it. I only want Him. And, if going through struggles that made me think I'd lose my family, friends, and callings on my life is what it took for me to get to this point, PRAISE GOD. HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!

Glory

He's not here for our viewing pleasure
Not here for a one night stand
He doesn't wanna only take a measure
Of our hearts, leaving the rest in our hands

Yet still we are always saying
"You've grown just a little too large
For this box that we've prepared;
We never meant for this space to be shared."

He doesn't want to stay in our churches
Wants to be in our everywhere
Why can't we see He doesn't fit our descriptions?
But He's too much for our pride to bear

We've gotten use to our pretty adjectives
Making us sound so righteous now
When really we don't have a clue
About what a moment in His glory could do


These are some lyrics to a song I'm writing. God kinda woke me up with these words. To me, they're kind of intense. In attempts to write some kind of chorus for this song, I was looking up the word glory because I think that we as Christians do all these things due to a lack of glory being manifested in our lives. This study led me to Exodus 33:12-23 where Moses is talking to God on Mount Sinai, asking Him how he will know if God's presence will be going with them. God tells him that His "Presence will go with [him], and [He] will give [him] rest" (vs. 14). How do WE know when we're following the path that God wants us on? By whether or not we have rest, or peace. Moses continues to ask Him to come with him and the Israelites, and eventually asks God to "Please, show me Your glory" (vs. 18).

This hit me hard because Moses had seen God's presence, His promises fulfilled, God's power, and so many other things about God. But in asking to see God's glory, Moses is asking to know God's PERSON, His CHARACTER. When can we get to the point that if God didn't do another single thing for us, that we would still chase after Him harder than ever because we just want to know Him. Just Him, not His goodness, mercy, grace, love, power, presence, gifts, blessings. Just Him. When can we get to a place where just hearing His name being said, or just saying His name ourselves, makes us so excited we begin praise Him right then in that moment? This is where our hearts should be as Christians. Yearning so deeply just for a moment in His glory that we can't bear to be without it working in our lives daily. When the saints of God get to that point in their walk with Him is when a revival will sweep across this nation and lives will be changed for ever.

Entertaining Angels

Sushi made by people other than Japanese is just not as good. I was pretty upset when I went to get sushi with some friends and Americans were making it. Not the same.
Tents in your living room made out of sheets are the number one coolest things that you can do for decoration. It makes you feel like a kid again, and I always like feeling like a kid.

Man, I hate not remembering things. I seem to always think of great things I want to blog about because I think that it'd be something pretty sweet to write about, but I end up forgetting what they are. However, if I look at some of the songs that I write, it will occasionally jog my memory. But it's not looking so good this time. Maybe I'll write my way into something spectacular....Oh! I know what it was!!! Here goes:-)

I'm not the type of person that cries. Ever. I just don't. I even try to sometimes just cause I feel like I need to let go of stuff, and it never works. Cameron Diaz's character in the Holiday makes me laugh because I feel like that's what I do. When that movie came out, several friends began making fun of me because they imagined that's what I must have to do to attempt to shed a single tear. It's not that I'm heartless; I just never feel the need. So, I say all that to say this: I came to the point of tears twice...TWICE...on Friday. I was shocked at myself. I'll give the one of the two things that made give in to this rare emotion in me.

I was playing Sudoku (my fav game...you wanna make me happy-challenge me at Sudoku) and drinking coffee in the bookstore Friday morning. As I began to leave, a sweet elderly lady walked in and seemed like she was not quite sure where she was. I smiled at her, and she asked me if I could tell her where the bookstore was. I kinda laughed because she had no idea she was IN the bookstore, so I filled her in. After getting her what she needed, she asked me if she could buy me a cup of coffee. I politely said no, that I had just finished a cup, but told her thank you for the offer. She smiled, put her hand on my arm, and then walked away. When I walked out of the doors to go to class, I was very close to bursting into tears. To keep myself from breaking down, I turned my ipod up louder and walked faster, all while squinting my eyes as tightly as possible to keep the tears from flowing. She was so touching for some reason. Here's my reason why: I so badly want someone to see that I WANT to lose it sometimes. I want it to be okay for me to break, to not be so strong, and for me to crumble. This lady, in a strange way, made me want to fall into her arms and just cry. I felt like I could've just crumbled and with her, it would've been okay.

All of this could have been because I'm reading a book about relying solely on Christ, and for me, that means being broken of my pride. Oooh...that could be a good lyric for a song. Anyway...my senses to the feelings I was having may have been heightened because of this book, but either way, I felt like I was in the presence of an angel.

I don't think I'm the only one who wants to break. Some people break down all the time, and it's just not healthy, and everyone else wants to tell them to get a grip. But, I think there's a good balance. Also, most people I know who lose themselves a lot always seem to do it for attention, and that's not okay either. But, for people like me whose pride causes them to appear like everything is absolutely wonderful 24/7, it'd be nice to fall apart every now and then and admit that sometimes, we do NOT have it all together as it may seem. What's funny is that the closer I am to Christ, the less I feel like I want to let it all go, because I'm always putting it in His hands. But when I haven't been talking to Him as much, I always want to lose it and get to the breaking point so I can get back to intimacy with Him. I think that the breakage is needed in me to break me of my pride. There it goes again, my song lyrics: Relying solely on Christ for me means being completely broken of my pride.

Pray

For the past few months I constantly hear the subject of love come up. I don't mean between a guy and a girl when they fall in love, or their relationship. I mean how to love God and be an example of His love. I think that's great, but I think that too many people talk about it and don't do it enough. There are some people in my life who I admire greatly because I can truly say that they are great representatives of Christ. However, others I hear speak of this love and still somehow continue acting in a way that portrays nothing but the opposite. It is disheartening, truly, because these people are the ones who are the ones proclaiming their love for Christ to others without backing up their proclamations with their actions. And, as disappointing to me as it is, I am just as guilty. If we really loved Christ as most of us "Christians" say we do, why are we not doing more than just talking about the problems with Christianity and the church today? Instead of sitting around talking about what should be or could be done to change things, why not begin implementing these things into our lives? What stops us from taking it further and making it into our reality rather than another topic of conversation that, after it's done, makes us feel more Christ-like because we spent an hour of our time discussing how issues could be resolved by being the love of Christ to the unbelievers around us.

Maybe I'm thinking about this simply because I had a few conversations today with some very cool people about this idea of being compassionate and merciful and loving to others. But, I don't think it's just that. God has been dealing with me on this issue for a while now, and I believe these conversations were just other ways for Him to bring it to my attention. I realize that though I do love God and want to be a true representation of Him, I am just as guilty of sitting back and doing nothing as anyone is. I have criticized people for not being more in touch with the heart of our Father, when really, I have been doing the same thing. I say this because even if doing something to be the love of Christ does not mean setting out one day to go into a city and meet people to witness to, it can definitely mean spending time in prayer and intercession for people you already know and love and want to see their lives changed. And these things I have not been doing like I should. If we really genuinely love Christ, then we genuinely should love our neighbor as ourselves, and we should be more than willing to spend time interceding for their situations and hearts. So, that's what I'm going to do to change things around me in my world. I'm going to pray for a change; I'm going to seek God's counsel and heart to pray for His perfect will over the lives of people who I love and know need His salvation. If we truly want to be His love, we will readily give our time to pray for lives to be changed and hearts to be set ablaze. God only asks of us to pray and fast; He'll take care of the rest. All we have to do is trust that if we are in right standing with God, He will direct our paths. Praise God!!!

I've learned that if you want to have a good heart to heart with someone, get them in a car or in a place with coffee in their hand. For some reason, those two things make people open up, most of the time. I know that I open up a lot more while in the car with someone or drinking coffee at Starbucks with a friend. It's weird how it does it to you...

Anyway, on the subject of opening up to people, it's something I've taught myself to not do unless I feel like I can trust that person with the feelings of my heart. I think that I so badly want to completely be vulnerable with people and let them see all of me, but I just can't. I don't want anyone to see my weakness because when people can see your weaknesses, they know what hurts you, and they then can potentially hurt you.

I think this is a problem for not just me, but for many people. They have at one time or another given their hearts, their souls, their innermost feelings to someone who was supposed to be noble enough to protect it and be entrusted with it, but instead of protecting it, they threw it away in an instant. I think that once this happens, hope is lost. Hope that there is someone else out there who can understand every part of you, who can see you for all you are, good and bad, and love it all. After the burning occurs, it seems childish to think of such things and expect such things from someone else. I mean, who could possibly be good enough and healthy enough themselves to handle all of you?? And once that happens, it seems not worth the trouble of letting someone else get to know you on that kind of intimacy (emotionally and spiritually) because, who knows if it will just all get thrown away soon?

Then this spills into their relationship with Christ. He is truly the only one who can be trusted with every ounce of our being, but how many people really give Him all of it? And why not? For me, I think it has been because it is difficult to see myself as Christ sees me. I'm that great to Him. Whoa. Back up...the Savior of mankind, the Redeemer of all sins, thinks that I'm great enough to give all of Himself for me. A little mind blowing, don't you think? Aaaand that He won't forsake you in any situation and won't disappoint you in any way, shape, or form. That's huge. Very huge.

I think we all feel this longing to be a part of something so much greater than ourselves, and hope that there is something that calls us out to be a part of it, but our grown up logic blocks us from fully experiencing such longings. I truly believe that logic is what stops many of us from pursuing a more intimate relationship with God. Logic tells us that we could not really be hearing the voice of God; or when we just heard about or saw a person who once had cancer healed from the incurable disease, that it must be coincidence, not a miracle. It also says that us dreamily believing that there is a Great Hope who wants to pull us into a heart wrenching story is more like a fairy tale just like Cinderella or Snow White rather than a reality.

If you ask some of my closest friends, they will tell you that I'm the most non-logical person they know most of the time. Maybe it's because I refuse to accept that what I see in the natural is all there is. God said that there are signs and wonders, and I believe Him and want to see them for myself. This completely irrational person in me wants to experience this love story between Christ and myself more each day because it makes me feel like I'm in a real life fairy tale, and I like the idea of being a princess. I will allow all my insecurities down for His sake, then He can tell me who to let my guard down with here on earth. However, I also know this only comes when I come to the end of me so that He can begin in me. And God knows how done with "me" I am.