I've learned that if you want to have a good heart to heart with someone, get them in a car or in a place with coffee in their hand. For some reason, those two things make people open up, most of the time. I know that I open up a lot more while in the car with someone or drinking coffee at Starbucks with a friend. It's weird how it does it to you...

Anyway, on the subject of opening up to people, it's something I've taught myself to not do unless I feel like I can trust that person with the feelings of my heart. I think that I so badly want to completely be vulnerable with people and let them see all of me, but I just can't. I don't want anyone to see my weakness because when people can see your weaknesses, they know what hurts you, and they then can potentially hurt you.

I think this is a problem for not just me, but for many people. They have at one time or another given their hearts, their souls, their innermost feelings to someone who was supposed to be noble enough to protect it and be entrusted with it, but instead of protecting it, they threw it away in an instant. I think that once this happens, hope is lost. Hope that there is someone else out there who can understand every part of you, who can see you for all you are, good and bad, and love it all. After the burning occurs, it seems childish to think of such things and expect such things from someone else. I mean, who could possibly be good enough and healthy enough themselves to handle all of you?? And once that happens, it seems not worth the trouble of letting someone else get to know you on that kind of intimacy (emotionally and spiritually) because, who knows if it will just all get thrown away soon?

Then this spills into their relationship with Christ. He is truly the only one who can be trusted with every ounce of our being, but how many people really give Him all of it? And why not? For me, I think it has been because it is difficult to see myself as Christ sees me. I'm that great to Him. Whoa. Back up...the Savior of mankind, the Redeemer of all sins, thinks that I'm great enough to give all of Himself for me. A little mind blowing, don't you think? Aaaand that He won't forsake you in any situation and won't disappoint you in any way, shape, or form. That's huge. Very huge.

I think we all feel this longing to be a part of something so much greater than ourselves, and hope that there is something that calls us out to be a part of it, but our grown up logic blocks us from fully experiencing such longings. I truly believe that logic is what stops many of us from pursuing a more intimate relationship with God. Logic tells us that we could not really be hearing the voice of God; or when we just heard about or saw a person who once had cancer healed from the incurable disease, that it must be coincidence, not a miracle. It also says that us dreamily believing that there is a Great Hope who wants to pull us into a heart wrenching story is more like a fairy tale just like Cinderella or Snow White rather than a reality.

If you ask some of my closest friends, they will tell you that I'm the most non-logical person they know most of the time. Maybe it's because I refuse to accept that what I see in the natural is all there is. God said that there are signs and wonders, and I believe Him and want to see them for myself. This completely irrational person in me wants to experience this love story between Christ and myself more each day because it makes me feel like I'm in a real life fairy tale, and I like the idea of being a princess. I will allow all my insecurities down for His sake, then He can tell me who to let my guard down with here on earth. However, I also know this only comes when I come to the end of me so that He can begin in me. And God knows how done with "me" I am.